The Crypt (2009)

Don't enter the crypt (by "the crypt" I mean this movie)

What a mess of a film. "The Bleeding," "The Goatherd" and "The Graves" were severely lacking but this is possibly the worst I've seen of 2009 so far. Even just the audio of the most easiest, throwaway "Tales from the Crypt" episode is more entertaining than this. There are moments where they actually try here, but it feels like it was slapped together in such a forced, formulaic and haphazard way as to be a long lost reminder that this has anything of value. I feel bad, I really do...just donate the budget to the homeless next time as it will at least make someone's day.

Five women and a guy go to rob jewels from a secretive crypt from the depression era. The moment they pocket the valuables from the stiff and cold grips of the dead, they get random, animated visits from ghostly, zombie-like figures that want to teach them a lesson. Inside they argue about which way to go, get separated and injured--all in the most mundane way. Not to mention, the vengeful spirits attacking at their leisure killed the atmosphere from feeling exactly like the filmmakers were using it to stretch out their picture from lack of a full length story. They try to make it claustrophobic and uncomfortable but the events don't move as in the moment or steady as they wanted it to in order to pull that off. It might have helped if the characters were outlined or even a single one concentrated on in the beginning so the viewer can get a definable focus.

The "don't mess with the dead" message to put fear in the viewer didn't even feel flush since they're, 1: criminals (no honor, remember?), and 2: they were just involved with a friend that got killed stealing a car and then have moral issue with long dead corpses? Even the close up shots of the women in provocative positions--a la "Entrapment"--weren't enough to trick your mind. There's a quick topless scene to get your attention but then oddly it breaks into drama talk that kills a potentially steamy moment. They try and throw random areas of two of the character's backgrounds in without success due to not going further with it but instead lazily running through it like they had to toss in some meaning somewhere. The man gets released from prison, spits out he's thinking of going legit and tentatively tries to reestablish a relationship with his girlfriend, who also partakes in the job all for the sake of love. Yeah, touching, too bad the viewer doesn't know anything about their past situation. Do they expect us to be sentimental fools and accept it at face value?

This has got to be the worst looking group of robbers I have ever seen outside of a comedy that's doing it on purpose. It's not surprising that a lot of the cast are first time actors or just starting out and I'm going to guess "were available" rather than finding a specific person to fill the part. The guy looks like a trendy freestyle dance performer--something like a twin to David Belle's character in "District 13"--and the women are manicured to the point of looking like customer service representatives at the mall that have never gotten their hands, nor nails dirty. For low life people that steal cars, their apartments look like something out of a Bed, Bath and Beyond catalog. They chew gum and make sarcastic remarks to show they're tough before going into the crypt, then the filmmakers decided to make them immediately switch over to being sympathetic to get through the nasty situation. This isn't "The Descent" where you get a proper set up beforehand to create actual tension or concern. This didn't jive from the getgo and they seem like they belong to another movie, with the audience themselves being reminded every moment that they should have put on something else instead.

The lack of resources wouldn't have been the biggest issue--mostly the primitive sets are covered up by shadows and fog, and they use simple set-ups with water and gates to block the way--but when the story, pacing and performances are heavily slacking it makes the other aspects even worse, such as tape hiss, low and high volume, jumping editing and some hit and miss digital effects. Not to mention a pointless pull-the-rug-out-from-under-the-viewer ending if the punishment wasn't enough. This was the director's--who also wrote, produced, composed and shot--third feature length picture in 2009 and he should have slowed it down to actually get one of them down pat before moving onto the next. Even Takashi Miike didn't put out one this terrible with the sheer amount he's taken on.

Rating: 0/10

From Black to Red Recommends instead: "The Descent": This tightly shot movie with a group of back stabbing women in a cave with something lurking in the dark was nail bitting, tension filled and capable of bringing about anxiety.

Director: Craig McMahon (Sportkill, Orville, Machined Reborn)
Stars: Who cares?
Link: IMDB

The Horde (2009)

Power tripping humans face a horde of zombies

This French action/horror movie doesn't waste time with an overly complex plot. A group of cops want revenge for the murder of one of their men. With ski masks and guns in hand, they head over to an apartment complex at night where the Nigerian leader and his thugs that downed one of their own have their small criminal headquarters. Immediately the plan goes wrong and the cops have a few more holes in them than they did before entering the building. Soon enough flesh eating zombies with speed, strength and a building horde behind them jump into the mix and the guns get instead pointed at their new enemy with the cops and criminals forming a tentative alliance.

At times the tension and dramatic moments are overplayed but a share of them do make this more charging than other zombie films that feel tired. The specific rules are only loosely stated, which makes this a little more chaotic, unpredictable and more bloody as the zombies take on more wounds than they have to. The characters have to not only make it down and out of the building, which might be overrun and without hope, but also have to constantly break up arguments between each other for what's the next move. The performances usually involve posturing antics and yelling as everyone wants to be a leader, along with some confusion and anxiety from both situations taking their toll. They meet an eccentric older man who wields an ax and has some kind of post traumatic stress from war that makes him think people are turning into Asians rather than zombies. It gives this a kind of quirky charm amongst all of the seriousness that nearly turns melodramatic in certain scenes.


This not only has action and violence to keep the audience busy, it's able to maintain a steady momentum and keep the events charged despite being an incredibly basic horror story. It's more gritty and natural than stylish and symmetrically lined up. There are jarring sound effects, such as loud gun shots and roaring zombie noises, along with quick edits that help make the experience more impactful and energetic when need be. The zombies themselves aren't always shown in abundance, that way to portray them as uncertain for their next move. There's some gun blazing as well as hand to hand combat with the zombies that brings out some bloody scenes that cause a share of the walls to drip with red remnants. The old building plays to the advantage of the horror angle with deteriorated decor and furnishings, along with dim lighting and abandoned passageways that could be hiding anything in the hungry dark.


This has a somewhat cold tone compared to other films in the subgenre where the zombies seem to bring out the sadists in the characters at a few points the way they want to injure and maim rather than doing it out of pure survival. There's a message somewhere in there to show those who break the rules have no honor or to show the conflicts aren't always solvable between humans in our modern state if a situation did arise as such. This shifts back and forth with if humans should fight for themselves, stick together like a family or go on a power trip to control another person. The final outcome hits somewhat anticlimactically or just as a set up for another film. "The Horde" doesn't deliver anything brand new. Though it has a tried and true formula that still works because there's a balance between the human interaction as well as the zombie, not to mention some memorable scenes that make this returnable. In a way, it almost feels like an engaging videogame at points that's instead played for you due to the simplicity and sense for uncomplicated interaction.

Rating: 7/10

Director: Yannick Dahan, Benjamin Rocher
Link: IMDB

Zombies of Mass Destruction (2009)

Infected by intolerance

This is a comedy first and foremost with an element of horror off to the side like the tone of "Shaun of the Dead" but unlike the actual movie itself. Where it throws a curve ball to the subgenre, is this is also a heavy satire about the society that zombies are dismantling in a place called Port Gamble back in September of 2003. This comes with a share of awkward moments, obvious puns and jokes about subjects you're not supposed to joke about. No one is safe from ridicule as the film jumps around to various sides without necessarily picking one outright. This attempts to tackle what's hot on people's minds in the last decade and probably much further back than that with politics, prejudice, religion, sexuality and if that wasn't enough, how to live your life in your family's and society's steps compared to your own way as an individual that might be flawed or "un"picture perfect. The sudden outbreak might just give them the calling they need to expose all the mentioned social constructs for what they are.

"ZMD" begins with character backgrounds before the ominous title makes headway. It shows how the town interacted with hypocrisies and contradictions despite the pleasant front. The brain eaters are ignored at first, even with bloody clothing, nibbling tendencies and a stumbling gait, until it jumps head first into neck biting time and an all-out onslaught when they attack slowly but in numbers. There are some theories on the tube of the viral outbreak, if it's a terrorist attack or a direct result of the United States government. This concentrates on a male couple who go through an ordeal with one's mother about coming out of the closet and end up at the town church to hole up. Inside there's some shuffling around of who wants to lead with two competing polititicians who both argue about personal views or by actually taking action for the greater good of the group--sounds about right--as well as a preacher who wants the situation to handle itself from a blinding divine light but then finally moves to forceful conversion. This also cuts to a woman who was born here but has an Iranian background and is looked at as a terrorist nonetheless by being tied and interrogated by her ignorant neighbor while ignoring his own family and the greater picture while at it. Her traditional but tax paying, business owning father seeks her out despite turning her back on customs that seem foreign to her.

Soon it becomes more about humans vs humans than what's supposed to be the obvious zombies vs humans. Everyone has their own interpretation about every facet of life and at the core of the film is about tolerance and intolerance of others around us that we may agree or disagree with. This plays more on a fun element where violence and a survivalist mode is only tentatively questioned when the zombies attack, rather than the usual dramatic performances and spending awhile building up to that point. Friends and relatives are killed but people quickly move on by putting their emotions aside. This does a better job than "Homecoming" that also had a political message and zombies as the backdrop but seemed to step over the line of poetic license. "ZMD" doesn't take itself too seriously and can get a viewer a little more loosened up about the iffy subjects that can, if approached wrong, turn friends into enemies and possibly neighbors and co-workers into lepers.

There are some funny gags from time to time and other lines that are humorous for ringing true. Though the film is possibly too self-aware in areas to the point of forcing a reaction from the viewer. The gay couple works a little better since you can both laugh with them and at them without the message cutting too deep or just being included as a mere token element. It would be impossible to get every aspect of every mode they're tackling. They go for a balanced approach, though often times it covers familiar ground if you've gotten into deeper discussions or arguments on the subjects already. It doesn't always do more than a written account information wise, which leaves some of the more involving debates at the credits since you're not always given more; inspiration and amusement wise is another story to go out there and do something on your own accord. Though to give it the benefit of the doubt, its subjects are like listening to a broken record for a reason and they're using a different medium to get at a potential person to listen through harmless entertainment. This seems more aimed at a younger and more impressionable audience, not to mention since zombies are trendy as of the last bunch of years and would be something of grabbing interest than a dry book or local town meeting.


What works about this movie is there is a give and take of view points and opinions in the wrap up as well instead of going all out with an agenda without some breathing room. Some realizations and revelations come to characters for a reward for watching, while others remain in their stubborn ways, or never get a chance due to the zombies getting 'em or getting turned over to a one-track mind after being bitten. Since this is a satire, part of the resolutions are left up to the viewer to decide their placing, or to just scoff the whole ordeal off. The performances are memorable in that they make the characters come alive instead of coming across as something to just perpetuate the story into a certain direction. They mostly manage to stay in context to the satiric tone though with a few areas nearly crossing the line over to drama. There's definitely blood and gore and some various weapons of choice used to put a stop to the traditional movie zombies that are lethargic. Though very little of it feels shocking or scary as it's never made out to be completely realistic in the slightest. The level of danger, even on a minor level, feels far removed despite what's being shown. In a sense it's treated like it comes with the territory rather than trying to reinvent the wheel. They could have replaced zombies with another brainless monster and it would have been most likely the same experience, which kind of takes away from the legend aspect of zombies that the title grabs you at. They do give a few nods to films before it but I'll leave that up to you to spot.

Rating: 6.5/10

Director: Kevin Hamedani
Link: IMDB

Perkins' 14 (2009)

Giving some more rest for the wicked

This is a film that turns the tables around with an over-the-top revenge plot for the villain, except the large majority of the perspective is focused on the side of a small group of innocent characters. Essentially the tone of the picture is not necessarily going to show progress as it builds, as its steps leading up are going to crumble and the atmosphere is to turn bleak with less and less light at the end to reach for. If that gives you an idea of where this is going and how every other horror film in the last bunch of years has decided to wrap up its finale similarly, then "Perkins' 14" is going to be a film for the people who watch the credits with depression or a momentary scare that lasts about as long as your emotions might turn into feeling duped.

A deputy for the Sheriff's department named Dwayne Hopper had a son that was abducted 10 years ago along with 13 others in Stone Cove, Maine with the perpetrator never being caught. He greets his wife and daughter goodbye before heading out to what he thinks is just another day of work, except this one is going to be different, much, much different. A man is in lock up by the name of Ronald Perkins that has a few clues that match up to the prior disappearance cases. He does some fact checking on Perkins' story and it doesn't add up, though he's been so obsessed about it that no one wants to listen anymore. Perkins is a friend of the town judge and he's to be let out immediately despite his protests. Before doing so, he has the other off duty deputy check his place of residence only to find a secret passage in his basement and accidentally cause the violent and blood thirsty inhabitants to escape onto the town. Hopper goes to save his daughter and wife and meets his son Kyle who's now an unreasoning killing machine made that way--the film only hints at how that's possible--by Perkins due to his own parents getting killed and wanting revenge on Stone Cove.

This frequently plays on the dramatic with a father who doesn't want to let go, as if it happened just yesterday, so there are going to be a number of flashbacks to show how his life got ripped in two. This definitely works in the beginning by establishing some emotional attachment to their situation. Though when the action starts to heat up, the film jumps in and out of pushing the pacing forward. Instead of a continual charge of a survival film, it plays more on the melodramatic with the characters fumbling around and feeling bad for themselves. This uses part of the basic formula where creatures are attempting to overrun an area and it's up to a certain group of individuals to get out or take care of the problem--except here it's not always capitalized on. It also becomes disappointing that the rest of the town's people aren't focused on but that you're stuck with this dedicated and sympathetic but ultimately inept family.

This uses a little more drama to escalate the emotions of the story instead of going in cold and calculated or half-cocked to take care of the problem. The issue is the characters are possibly too real and less cinematic to make this exceptional case gripping. I mean, if you have part of the solution a suspension of disbelief--victims turned killing machines--why not exaggerate the other portion as well? They make one long series of bad choices and it can make one less likely to go with the flow than to yell at the screen to do something right. This ends with nothing to show for itself, which in this case pulls down the rest of the picture with so much investment in the wrong areas, leaving relating points or even a cold, hard message from achieving impact. To me taking a worthwhile risk that holds up even on repeat viewings would be doing something bold that everyone's aware but don't have the audacity to do. I see this less as being brave from taking a risk than a film with no constructive ideas in mind at that point to close on. The premise is no doubt thought through from an idea that was voted on from an online site contest to make into a horror movie. Though another scriptwriter took over and had to do the job in a speedy fashion due to the next After Dark Fest coming up and that shows in areas.

Some of the filmmaking mechanics aren't perfect with some overextended scenes and not always the best camera angles, though this does include some areas that are able to create some mood and showcase the settings. The lighting is somewhat dark in areas, along with a strobe light effect and a shaky camera to make things somewhat jarrig to what's going on. There are some pretty gory scenes in the meantime to showoff the 14's superhuman strength and indestructible nature when getting attacked themselves. If the film was going to be about them, as the title suggests, it would have been a nice touch to get more inside their head, possibly show variety between them or show more of Perkins' interactions with them. If it's going to be a diabolical and evil film, then do so, instead of playing coy and then deciding at the last moment to do so. Otherwise that can bring down the respect and potential involvement/investment as a viewer. The premise is quite over-the-top to say the least, though the players do take it seriously and it gives it some potential even if a share of it was undeveloped and somewhat rushed.

Rating: 3.5/10

Director: Craig Singer (A Good Night to Die, Dark Ride)
Stars: Patrick O' Kane, Richard Brake, Shayla Beesley, Mihaela Mihut
Link: IMDB, original web video of Perkins' 14 by Jeremy Donaldson

Bone Sickness (2004)

Mind passing the femur?

This starts out normally with a twenty-something woman in New England taking care of her husband who has some kind of debilitating bone ailment with no known medical basis. Through failed trial and error the wife gets desperate enough to seek out her husband's mullet sportin' friend who brews up his own concoction from body parts of the recently laid to rest in the nearby graveyard that he works at.

"Bone Sickness" gives its obvious cues and nods to Fulci's "City of the Living Dead" and "House by the Cemetery." This is the kind of account that only "makes sense" to those neck deep in the horror genre...and with a history of mental disorders to boot. If the audience really attempted to sit down and think about if point A matches up with point B, or if their anatomy teachers were lying to them, madness will probably take over. Can creepy crawlin' bugs really nest inside peoples' faces underneath easily ripped off skin and also come vomiting out of mouths, who knows? It can make for interesting visuals, but as more and more time goes by, the events taking place seem to get more and more diluted and a little more adventurous than the filmmakers can scurry to handle.

"Bone Sickness" is an excuse for carnage and catered towards surrealism. The atmosphere drips, slimes, smells and ultimately disgusts like any old school horror movie enthusiast would crave--myself included. This is about excess and exaggeration, though the pacing is something that needed tweaking as the flow--even with all its head slicings, neck gashes, gut munching and nudity going on--doesn't steadily captivate one's attention span or put one right there in the mix. Though it's still more effective than, say, "Das Komabrutale Duell."

The sound effects range from Italian horror style to stock haunted house. The special make-up effects can be effective, plenty and downright juicy; though due to budget limitations you might see the occasional recognizable food item as well as more "frozen" victims than you can count that just stand or lay there ready to be taken alive through premeditated gore traps. This is unconventional cinema on the low-budget end--shot on video, poor lighting, camera humming--though this isn't, for instance, like "Tetsuo," "Premutos," "Schramm," "Naked Blood," "House on Tombstone Hill" or "Bad Taste" where the production values were pitiful, but the out-there stories were translated with more refined and captivating creativity that could lock you in without looking back or questioning why this or that was done or if you should hit fast-forward to speed it up.

Rating: 4/10

From Black to Red recommends instead: "City of the Living Dead" : This has Hell's gates opening, zombies running amuck, gory violence, a moody score and an incredibly nightmarish atmosphere to get lost in.

Director: Brian Paulin (At Dawn They Sleep, Mummy Raider)
Stars: Darya Zabinski, Brian Paulin, Ruby Larocca, Rich George, Kevin Barbane
Link: IMDB

Waxwork II (1992)

Slap stickin' and time travelin'

This is a direct continuation from the events in the first film, though Deborah Foreman is replaced by a head-taller, not-so-look-alike Monika Schnarre as Sarah, not to mention Zach Galligan returns as Mark but looks noticeably older and gained a few pounds. After the two leave the fiery scene from the first, the animated severed hand escapes from one of the zombie sets and follows Sarah home, only to kill her abusive father, aptly wearing a scummy wife-beater. Now, a court case is being filed against her for the act, and no one believes her when the naive Sarah actually tells them the hand did it. In the meantime they find a "cartagrian time-door opener" in Mark's grandfather's secret attic that holds all kinds of strange relics, and decide to use it to find evidence for Sarah's innocence. And, of course, stumble into some adventure in the meantime.

"Waxwork II," pushing away from its title, is a sort of "Friday the 13th" TV series, meets "The Monster Squad," meets "Bill & Ted," and still manages to have some of its own distinction in the end. From Frankenstein to poltergeists to aliens to medieval black magic, the duo has to outrun, outwit and overtake evil wherever the small time contraption takes them. The last half being a place in a King Arthur-like setting where they have to stop an diabolical, shape-shifting man named Scarabis (Alexander Godunov) who's trying to take over the King of England's throne, but find themselves in predicaments of incestuous pre-arranged marriage and rat infested prisons. Definitely the coolest scene in the movie involves Mark sword fighting Scarabis back and forth between different worlds from "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde," "Jack the Ripper," "Nosferatu," "Godzilla" and more zombies of the "Dawn of the Dead" kind. It makes you wish they included a few more segments or stayed a while longer while at it after having to sit through the nearly throwaway medieval story that's better left up to the "Excalibur"s to flesh out a richer adventure.

"Waxwork II" is edging more on simple fun than serious challenge, which makes the picture a little light in its load. The comedy is made to be cartoonish at points--such as a bag-o-salt being thrown at the exposed ribs of Bruce Campbell's character--the bloodshed is less gory than the first and there aren't as many build ups for atmosphere rather than setting the stage for zingers. The tone slightly shifts as it gets all biblical with a universe of Cartagra being a place where good and evil battle it out in what's referred to as "God's Nintendo game." The Devil and God--though never shown--have at it with time warriors, and what those warriors do there--Mark and Sarah included--can have a detrimental effect on Earth if evil wins.

This has less mysteriousness than the first and essentially causes you think in the now, which isn't always so enthralling to put you on the edge of your seat in anticipation. This has some slapstick, the time travel idea to create fresh places and there are numerous homages given for the meantime. Nods to other films can be a great tool to hook in an audience to relive nostalgia, though this doesn't always feel like it does something more creative than what they're emulating like the first film was capable of. This is still a decent companion piece to the original film, though I've found over the years it's not as replete on its own as it could have been. The concept is definitely cool--this is just before "Army of Darkness" and even "Sliders"--though I often find myself thinking more of where to go than where the filmmakers took me.

Rating: 5.5/10

Director: Anthony Hickox (Sundown)
Stars: Zach Galligan, Monika Schnarre, Bruce Campbell, Alexander Godunov
Link: IMDB

Waxwork (1988)

What won't kill you, will only make you...waxier

This is a horror-comedy that's incredibly tongue-in-cheek to the point of poking fun at other thought-to-be sacrilegious horror films and even itself while at it. "Waxwork" is an '80s version of "House of Wax" meets "House of Frankenstein" where all the famous cinematic monsters and more are combined into an experience that gives an assorted buffet of the macabre. It has some trendy tunes, hairdos, phrases and clothing, not to mention makeshift acting, that makes it feel exactly like '88, but that's not to say it doesn't hold up still due to being persistently fun because there are just so many subjects inventively dabbled at once than being merely reference points.

Two college ladies--one seductive, the other reserved--are taking a neighborly stroll when they notice a discreet and ominous building with the sign "Waxwork" that they've never seen before. Suddenly an odd looking man appears, later named Mr. Lincoln (David Warner), with multi-colored dress and invites them to a private midnight showing that includes their friends. They don't know what to expect but show up anyway with two other guys--one spoiled rich, the other token sarcastic--and meet a midget butler at the front door and a tall man who can't get orders right. Seems a joke, right? Yeah, that's what they thought.

In a large showroom they find roped off sections with an assortment of life-like wax statues ranging from Frankenstein, Dracula, Phantom of the Opera, werewolves, axe-murderers, aliens, mummies and even Marquis de Sade. Soon enough some of the observers turn victim when they want to get a closer look at the set pieces and end up getting transported into a changed world where it comes alive. Inside the locked in portal they have to relive the final horror of the depicted waxwork set and then end up being a permanent fixture with none the wiser looking on. After splitting up, the rich kid and prude lose sight of their two friends and are told they left early. Suspicious, Sarah (Deborah Foreman) and Mark (Zach Galligan)--with the help of detectives and Mark's grandfather--find out that Mr. Lincoln had a greater, far more diabolical plan in motion than just enclosing their friends bodies with wax.

"Waxwork" has gags, gore and a sense of adventure. This isn't scary, but it is still pretty gruesome at times with make-up effects and plays on a certain atmosphere that still rolls in the fog, shadows and a gravitating score over top when calls for it. Part of the tone is going for mock theatrics, such as an over-the-top sound effect with just a door opening or someone else not taking a spooky scene at first seriously, that is until they see red. This has some slap stick gags, such as a man tied to a table with the flesh of his leg missing but the nerves exposed and then rats and other people accidentally falling on it. It's ambitious to say the least, but manages to maintain a steady balance to rope a viewer deep down into a well of escapism dwells. Even with all of its homages to every other genre pic under the full moon, it still feels its own experience enough to be more than just a short-lived gimmick for the times.

Rating: 8/10

Director: Anthony Hickox
Stars: Zach Galligan, Deborah Foreman, David Warner
Link: IMDB